Friday, October 21, 2016

Vampire Circus

Director: Robert Young
Year released: 1972

THE CHARGE: Bringing a circus full of vampires to town. But in all fairness, I guess they're not any scarier than clowns.

THE EVIDENCE: Vampire Circus opens with vampire Count Mitterhaus killed by local townsfolk. Not many films have the nerve to kill off their most important character in the first five minutes, but there we are. But before dying, he curses them, swearing that their children’s blood will return him to life. Just like when Dick Cheney was kicked out of the White House.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The Video Dead

Director: Robert Scott
Year released: 1987

THE CHARGE: Video killed the living dead star? Meh, I got nothing.

THE EVIDENCE: In this piece of 80’s fromage, Zoe and Jeff are a couple of teenagers moving into a new home their parents just bought, though their folks are out of the country. Because after purchasing a home, it’s perfectly natural to want to be several thousand miles away from it. Yep, thirty seconds into the movie and we already have our first plot hole.

Monday, October 17, 2016


Director: Nacho Vigalondo
Year released: 2007

THE CHARGE: Rolling the clocks back instead of springing forward. I hate daylight savings time.

THE EVIDENCE: I've previously written about director Nacho Vigalondo's film Open Windows and found it to be a major disappointment. So I recently revisited his feature film debut Timecrimes, which really wowed me the first time I saw it years ago, to see if it was as good as I remembered. I'm happy to say that the film not only still holds up, but a second viewing made me appreciate it even more.

Friday, October 14, 2016

The Ward

Director: John Carpenter
Year released: 2011

THE CHARGE: Being a bit too hard on The Beaver last night

THE EVIDENCE: John Carpenter has directed some iconic horror flicks: Halloween, The Fog, The Thing and the woefully underrated In the Mouth of Madness. So you would think that The Ward, the first feature film he’d directed in nearly ten years, would be a big deal; a project worthy of an auteur returning to his milieu. But then you remember that this is the same John Carpenter who directed Escape from L.A., Ghosts of Mars and the overrated snoozefest Prince of Darkness. And suddenly, the mediocrity of The Ward makes a lot more sense.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

The Witch

Director: Robert Eggers
Year released: 2015

THE CHARGE: Weighing the same as a duck and therefore being made of wood (wink wink, nudge nudge)

THE EVIDENCE: Now here's a polarizing piece of celluloid. Robert Eggers's 17th century period piece has been hotly debated around the interwebs. Some consider it the scariest film ever made while others call it an overhyped snoozefest. Well, your good friend Judge Hammer has finally had a chance to weigh the evidence and I'm here to let you know that the truth falls, as it usually does, somewhere in the middle. The Witch is a legitimately frightening film, but not without its flaws.